New Year....New Beginning

It’s almost January 1, 2013. That time of year when everyone makes their New Year’s resolutions. New year, new beginning, right?

While I do follow in the tradition, I’ve always felt more compelled to make some life changing decisions on my birthday. The day I begin a new year at a new age seems like the right time to me. However, this year’s birthday was such a horrible day, a blur, and all because of a guy. The same guy who has caused 90% of all of my bad days over the past 22 months. After all this though, can I really blame him? I let him do these things to me. I let him back in my life time and time again. I am the only one to blame.

For this reason my New Year’s resolution is to leave the past (him) in the past. I don’t like who I’ve become with him. So, I’m going to work hard to become the person I was before the person someone else made me be. 

It won’t be easy letting him go. Not easy at all. But it’s time. The hardest part is the pain and sadness. The only thing to ease that pain and sadness is the same thing that causes it…..him. I need to face life without him. Without seeing him, without hearing his voice, without reading his texts. Life completely void of him.

I know for most people, it’s hard to understand. It’s hard to see why someone would allow this to happen. They say, why is it so hard to just let go and move on? Well, this quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay says it all.

“Where you used to be there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

That, is exactly why it's so hard.

PS...Hi McKenna & Logan 

How Does This Happen?

I found out recently that one of my favorite “troubled” students can’t read.  He is almost 15 years old and he can’t read. How does that happen? How has he gone 15 years of his life without anyone caring enough to teach this child to read? 

On the first day of school he came running in, literally, and punched the cement wall. My first thought was, please tell me he’s in the wrong class. He was loud, obnoxious, and a little crazy. The next day he punched the lockers and the wall until his knuckles were bleeding and he was very proud of this.

Timmy and I have grown close over the past 5 weeks. He comes to see me in the mornings and sometimes at the end of the day. He tells me how cool I am and how he will miss me if his family moves again.
  

On the first day of my computer apps class I like to have each student take a typing speed test online. Timmy typed 9 words per minute. He seemed a little embarrassed but I assured him it was fine and he would get better with practice. 

The rest of the class has been working on typing keyboarding lessons from a textbook, but Timmy wouldn’t agree to that. So, I made some modifications for his lessons and he types on a website designed to improve your typing speed. When he got to 15 words per minute he was so excited and I hyped him up telling him how awesome he did. Then one day he asked if I had any candy. When I scrounged up a peppermint he said, so if I get 20 wpm can I have it? I agreed and 30 minutes later Timmy said he got 20 wpm but he forgot to show it to me and said I should just take his word for it. I explained to him that I didn’t know him well enough to take his word for it and said “I need to see it to believe it”. This has become a common phrase in our conversations. Before the end of class Timmy earned that peppermint.

Day after day I bribe Timmy with food, candy, and gum and day after day his typing improves. This week he typed 40 wpm. In just one hour a day, for a month, he went from 9 wpm to 40 wpm. He was so proud that he printed the certificate and asked me to sign it. I almost cried. 

A couple days ago I told him Mrs. Roark and I talked about him. He said, “oh no, did she say mean things? I bet she did. She never liked me.” I said no, she told me that you were a really sweet kid and I agreed. Then he looked at me and said, well tell her I said hi.

Timmy wears only 2 or 3 different shirts and the same ripped jeans daily. Today he had on a shirt I hadn’t seen before. It had words written across it that said something about sarcasm. I asked him what it said several times before he said, Ms. Back, you know I can’t read. He laughs about everything and even in this statement he was laughing.

All I could think was, how does this happen?

Closing An Open Book

“I don’t like to share my personal life. It wouldn’t be personal if I shared it.”

George Clooney

I’ve always been an open book. I have nothing to hide so why not share my every thought and decision with those around me? While there’s nothing wrong with this, I haven’t felt quite so open lately. 

These days it seems like a good idea to keep my thoughts to myself. No one can know everything about you and so sometimes when you share certain things with others; it can come across differently than you anticipated. Whether we like it or not everyone judges us. So only expose the parts of your life that you are comfortable with being judged and keep the rest to yourself. Some things should stay between you and God!

To most people it probably doesn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it feels so different; in a good way. Like Mr. Clooney said, some things need to be kept personal. These are the things that should be kept near and dear to your heart….and your heart only. 

People often say they just want to be alone with their thoughts. I think that's a lovely idea!

He's Just Not That Into You If...

My life has forever been changed. In the past two days I have read two books. These books have offered more insight and wisdom than I ever thought I could absorb in a decade, let alone 4-5 hours. He's Just Not That Into You & It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken.

If you are single and you have not read these books, then shame on you! Actually I completely understand. A good friend has been trying to get me to read these books for a couple of years now. I kept saying I would when I found the time. I found the time to read several other books, however, I avoided these two in particular. Why, you ask. Well for one I was scared. I knew what these books were going to say. They were going to validate all those thoughts that I kept in the back of mind. They were going to tell me that I was wasting my time on the wrong guys and that I needed to just let go and move on. Guess what....I was right.

The one thing I was wrong about though was how this realization would make me feel. I thought I would feel defeated, sad, mad and lonely. Not true. I feel empowered with this new found knowledge! I now know the signs to look for early on so that I can dump these guys before I become too attached to let go without agonizing over the decision for 6-8 months. Wow, think of all the time I'm going to save! You don't call when you say you will....I guess I wasn't on your mind. You don't do what you say you are going to....well you're an asshole. You only want to see me when you are drunk/don't want to get married/think maybe we should take a break/disappeared for days with no phone call or text/are dating other people....well I guess you just aren't that into me. And that's OK, because I'm not that into you either.

Whenever you are feeling confused or weak, just remember this. Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

Third time's a charm....or is it?

Maybe getting over someone you’re in love with isn’t impossible. Unless, maybe you don’t actually get over it. Maybe you just learn to live with it. - Felicity

 

Some people learn from their mistakes. Some people learn from other’s mistakes. And some people never learn from any mistakes. I am someone who learns from my mistakes after making the mistake a minimum of three times. You know the saying “third time’s a charm”; well I guess I just want to be sure. 

I read somewhere that once your heart gets broken you sort of see the cracks in everything.  At this moment that feels so real.  Recently I thought, finally…everything is finally falling perfectly into place. It was a great feeling. You know what wasn’t a great feeling? When nothing fell into place and everything fell apart.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I usually believe that to be true. In this case it’s more like 40/40. I’m not completely blind, but I still don’t see things clearly. Hopefully the haze will soon fade.